Parent-to-Parent: Helping Your Teenager

At The Children’s Room, we are fortunate that we have an active group of “alumni” parent who want to share their experiences and insights with other parents.  Here are there thoughts on helping your teenager.

Role Models

It can be beneficial if the teen has someone in his/her life that lost a loved one as a teen, such as a coach or teacher.  Connecting with someone who experienced a similar loss and “survived” can give the teen hope that he will also be OK.  Just knowing that someone they respect survived a similar experience helps, even if they never talk about it directly with that person.

It is important for teachers, coaches, mentors and others to share their personal connection with a teen or child who as lost someone.  It is powerful.

On Therapists

Teens are often reluctant to see a therapist to help them deal with a loss.  It is important that both the teen and the parent be comfortable with the therapist.  Don’t give up if the first couple of times are not successful.  It may take a few visits for the teen to feel comfortable and begin to talk about the loss.  However, if it is still not going well, it may be time to try another therapist.  It can be useful for the parent to join the therapy session for the last 10 minutes.  If a teen absolutely refuses to see a therapist, it can be helpful for the parent to have a session with a child therapist to discuss ways to help the teen.  Keep in mind that once you decide to seek the help of a therapist, there is usually a wait before being able to get an appointment.

Ask around for recommendations, particularly of people who have used their services.

Surviving Parent Bears the Brunt

Anger and anxiety are very common in teens after a loss.  When the loss is a parent, usually the anger is directed at the surviving parent.  This can be difficult for the parent who is also grieving.  The teen might be feeling like he has lost 2 parents, one to death and another to sadness and grief.

There can be another challenge when the surviving parent is the Dad.   If the Mom was more the caregiver and confidant of the children, it can take time for the Dad to assume that role.

As the surviving parent, you need to take care of yourself and accept support and help from others.

Is It Grief or Not?

As a parent, you may question your teenager’s behavior and wonder if it is because of the death or is it just “normal” teen angst.   You may never know the answer, but the behavior still needs to be dealt with.

Keep Memories Alive

Teens often have difficulty talking about the person who died.  How can you get your teen to talk about the deceased person?  Keep their memory alive by sharing stories, bringing their name up in day to day conversation, humanize them – not all stories need be the good ones!  “Remember when Dad broke Mom’s favorite lamp?”  Save comments such as “how are you feeling?” for a different conversation.

Connect With Other Teens

The Children’s Room is a place where a teen can be with peers who understand what they are going through.  Without even speaking of the loss, there is a comfort level.  It is difficult to explain the value in connecting with other teens ho have experienced a similar loss.  It may be difficult to persuade your teen to give the Children’s Room a try.  Timing is important, too.  Your teen may not be ready at a certain point in time, but maybe later they will be more receptive to the idea of going to the Children’s Room.

Everyone grieves differently.  A child may suffer the loss of a loved one, and may not outwardly grieve until the teen years.

Use Volunteering and Community Service to Help

Helping others in need can be beneficial in the healing process.  Encourage your teen to volunteer, do community service, be a camp counselor, etc.  Perhaps working with younger children who experienced a loss can help with their grief.

Remember, You Are Trying Your Best

As a parent, you may worry about whether you are doing the right thing for your child.  You second guess decisions that you have made.  Be gentle on yourself.  Keep in mind that as parents we aren’t perfect, but we are acting out of love.  Reach out to other parents.