MEDIA RELEASE
December 3, 2012
Are Holidays Always Filled with Joy?
by Cheryl LaMee-Ludwig
While many of us associate holidays with an excess of consumption and a paucity of time, for some there is another element omnipresent – grief. While we may know of someone who lost a brother, sister, mom, dad or spouse this year, we may not realize how holiday traditions can bring back that deep feeling of loss. During the holidays as well as throughout the year, there are certain sensitivities that can allow us to have more meaningful conversations with grieving friends and family. One step is to understand where they are, both physically and emotionally.
Deborah Rivlin, Director of Education and Training for The Children’s Room, an Arlington-based nonprofit that provides caring support for grieving children, teens and families, gave a talk on “Coping with the Holidays.” She reminded the group that there are triggers that can be predicted – a birthday, an anniversary, a holiday – and then there are occasions where you feel “sideswiped” – things that cannot be predicted. “Be aware that this might be a difficult time for you,” “Acknowledge your loss,” and “Make a plan” were some of her pearls of wisdom. While her seminar was targeted at people who had experienced loss, a Lexington High School group started by The Children’s Room is working on helping others feel more comfortable talking with a grieving friend.
This teen support group was designed to give teens a place to go to within the school to feel understood and less alone. The two dozen students decided to create a language for teachers and fellow classmates to use, allowing them to be more helpful. One example is a poster made by a grieving teen: “STOP – I have suffered a loss. Here are some things I wish you knew…Don’t give me the ‘sad look;’ Just because I seem happy doesn’t mean I’m not sad; Just because I seem sad doesn’t mean I won’t be happy; And you can show me you care without having to tell me.” This support group also created a “Collage of Voices” titled “If only you knew…” designed to help non-grieving classmates understand more about grief. The LHS group served over 26 teens last school year. Due it its success, The Children’s Room is expanding its school-based programs into Boston and Needham.
Stoughton resident Al McNeill lost his daughter, Sara, when she was 15 years old. He remembers, “People did not know what to say or do.” Realize that it is not imperative to know exactly what to say, but rather simply convey the message that you are willing to listen non-judgmentally. The Children’s Room published a list of things that are helpful when supporting a grieving friend, both during the holiday season and throughout the year:
- Remember there are no magic words – letting the person know you care is huge.
- Offer practical support: shopping, errands, cooking, etc.
- Share memories you may have of the person who died.
- Support the person in exploring other available supports: friends, faith community, a support group, therapist/counselor.
- Grief is not a linear process. Help plan for particularly trying times/dates (e.g. anniversaries/ birthdays/holidays) which can re-trigger the feelings of loss.
- Remember that some things may trigger our loss that we can’t plan for.
- Don’t be afraid to have a good time or laugh together!
- Be patient. Remember that grief has no timeline. Avoid saying things like, “You should be getting on with your life.”
- Share things that have been helpful to you in trying times; avoid trite consolations like “Time heals all wounds,” “At least they didn’t suffer,” or “I know just how you feel.”
